Mommy Wrath

It amazing me at how little it takes me to totally get all mad and angry at a two year old and an eight year old. Like I said earlier! They are JUST kids!!! what is my problem?
So the issue was. I’d just gone shopping and filled all the baren cupboards with food and lots of fruit. Leaving them to it, I seriously believe they could have finnished most of the fruit off between then within the first two hours of being home. Anyway, they each had a piece of fruit after lunch. Then Iona comes to me with her “mommy apple????” and so I go to the fridge, unlock the door, and get her out an apple. The whole time Sisanda is sat there hovering. Then the moment i close the fridge, lock it, and put the key away, she says “mommy grapes??” and I totally snapped and said “I just finnished getting Iona an apple!! when the fridge is open, you ask THEN!!” not knowing if she understood at all. So I made a big production of getting her some grapes. Then as soon as she had them, Iona says “mommy grapes!!!” She didn’t want her apple anymore, she wanted grapes! So I got mad again and unfairly blamed Sisanda for wanting grapes for the fact that Iona no longer wanted her apple. I ranted at them both and got much more angry than was appropriate (I don’t actually think getting angry in that situation at all was justified!!) But there you go. I have no patience! anyway, I hate the fact that Sisanda probably had no idea what she’d done…..she was just suddenly faced with an angry mommy.
I wonder how many times that happens in parenting. they don’t understand a word we’re saying, they’re just faced with a dose of Mother wrath….and continuing in this way ensures that they will just learn not to make you mad….not to actually listen to you and obey with undersanding. (ok i know they don’t always have to understand to obey but you get me)
I have some options here. I could become this really anal mother who announces that only the same fruit can be consumed at once and make all kinds of rules about refigerator doors being open at certain times. Besides being totally impractical, it’s also a bit scary,and i have no desire to see myself become a hardened and bitter slave to my own frusturation.
I think I just need to work on communicating myself a bit better and not expecting kids to read my mind and take a few more deep breaths when the irrational rage rises inside.

In the mean time, they are both really funny. Sisanda switches between the roles of mother, big sister, playmate, and annoyed older sister all within the space of a few minutes towards Iona. One minutes she scolds Iona for messing with her stuff, then tries to throw iona on her back and walk around with her, holds her hands in car parks, then the next minute, she’s doing Iona’s hair and putting some strange goo on it…but managing to get it in a ponytale.
I’m going to miss her.
How in the world is she not going to feel abandoned again when we leave???
She said yesterday “no mama Gladys, Engand!!” and I had to explain how that wouldn’t work. Her country wouldn’t let her come to Engalnd with us. (i doubt she got that)

anyway…keep her i prayer, keep us in prayer…
Four weeks to go!

She’s Just a Kid

This morning as i’m wandering around the house all bunged up with cold and feeling pretty rotton about it, I get a wiff of this smell, reminding me of my childhood in the 80’s. I checked on Iona, (who is now potty trained!) to see if she’d had some kind of accident. (Antibiotic poos are disgusting) and it wasn’t her. I went back into the kitchen and suddenly Sisanda whirls around the corner to show me her hair. This is when I kick myself again for not reading up on the basics on black hair care. She’d smothered a foul smelling perm solution all over her head (no idea where she’d gotten it from) and was absolutely delighted in herself. How an eight year old learns to appy perm solution to her hair I have no idea. I followed her into the bathroom and the smell nearly had me gaging. I quickly opened some windows to air out the house while she set about finnishing what she’d started. I am not sure exactly what she was doing. but it involved a small baby comb, a thing of loo roll, and a blowdryer. I’d like to say at this stage I stepped in and tried to oversee what she was doing. But honestly, I felt too ill to interfere and figured i’d just let her get on with it. I am concerned though as I think that stuff is eating her hair up. In the end she had that puffy black hair look..but she seemed pleased with it. I’d really like to take her somewhere to get her hair done before we go.
Suddenly having an eight year old in the house is helping me foresee huge gaps in my future parenting skills. For those of you who know i’m looking after this little girl for awhile and have images of me smothering her with love and attention as I cuddle her at night, here is a little more of the reality. I need more patience. I really start to lose it over small things and the whole advice of “choosing your battles” rings more true to me now. When the two girls are together they often follow me around the house. If I’m cooking, they’re there. If i’m reading they’re sprawled all over me, if I go to clean a bedroom, they are there dragging their toys in after them. They eat non stop. They are constantly asking me for food. I think yesterday i got extra snappy at Sisanda in particular and thankfully Phumeza came to babysit last night and I was able to clarify some things so she didn’t think I didn’t like her. It’s so hard when you’re just not sure she understands everything.
The other morning I woke up and Sisanda was giving her Barbie a bath in the sink, complete with soap and bubbles. Jon remarked that it’s nice to see her doing “normal kid things” and that’s true. I have to constantly remind myself that she is just a kid. She is only 8 years old and despite her hard past, and the fact she’s probably seen more pain and felt more hurt than I have in my whole lifetime, she’s still just a kid and it’s normal for her to act up and be cheeky even though is in the midst of a “rags to riches” type situation. She’s not little orphan Annie! It’s still normal for her to get jealous and possessive of her things and I have to try and not give full vent to my frusturation when she plays up.
The funny thing is, I’m realizing that so much of how we treat kids is based on our own state of mind, our own mood, and where we are at….so therein lies the need to be consistant regardless of your own mood. Hard stuff.
Sometimes it’s a real blessing to have a playmate for Iona. Other times, it’s hard as she often gets jealous and acts bossy towards her. So many times i have to just stand back and let them fight it out instead of swooping in and rescuing. Then I wonder what people think when we’re out in public. I get scared sometimes that people think she’s the daughting of my maid and that i’m taking her out with me to entertain my own child. I do smile though when she calls out to me “mommy” at the top of her voice when we’re in a store. It reminds me of what a priviledge it’s been to be a part of her life right now and to make the most of it.

Last Few Weeks Here….

I was asked today if i was “counting the days” now in regards to the end of our time here.
Hmmm not really. I have no reason to. It’s not like there is something definite at the end of it. We are plunging into the unknown and although this does not fill me with fear as it would others, I am not looking forward to it like one would count down the days to their next foreign holiday.

I stared at Phumeza today as she walked around the house with Asakhe on her back, gathering her things. There is still so much I don’t know about her. When we talk about her future and the things she hopes to do, I find myself simply well wishing, not really giving her any clear advice. I’m not really in a position to. She is incredible, and she has made such an impression on me, and Iona…(who brought me a blanket later today and asked me to put her on my back with it)

Iona has started sleeping on a bed recently. I want her to be able to sleep anywhere when we get back as I have no idea where we’re going to be. She does not always fall asleep straight after feeding and often I lay face to face wtih her as she tries to fall asleep. She just wants to talk so bad. She will mention every person she can think of and ask questions about where they are and if are sleeping or if they need towels. My heart melts as she looks me in the eyes, nose to nose, smiles, and says “hello!” in her sweet little voice.

I am also taking in the last moments of living on the blessed Reibeek street. The situation here is so un-reality, which is what I tell myself in order to prepare myself for what lies ahead. I love being able to just pop in and visit without arranging it a week in advance, getting in a car, or booking a flight. It’s a comfort being about to borrow eggs, borrow books from, share recipes with, and wander over to simply to check out what they’re making for supper.
It’s funny, I thought it was a South African thing…but I am coming to realize it’s very unique to a few families on our street. (our new neighbours across the road think we’re nuts)

We went to a lovely 21st birthday party last night of someone from the church. It was really a lovely affair and just a blessing being able to witness family and friends coming together to celebrate someone’s life. It’s funny in the states we sort of have big do’s at graduations, celebrating accomplishments. I like the idea of just celebrating the fact that someone simply is! It was almost like a wedding, but just about one person which is really sweet! It brought my thoughts back to my own preciuos daughter who asked me today:

“Nanu England?”
“yes, Iona is going to England”
“Fi England!!!”
“Yes, Fi is in England”
“Mommy England???”
yes, Mommy will be coming to Engand with you.
“Annie England?”
*sad sigh* “no…Annie staying in Africa.

It makes perfect sense to a 2 year old that everything and everyone you love you simply take with you on your own journey. How many times I’ve wished it were true!

Her First Taste of Goodbye

It’s been fun in the sun the last few days. The weather sure picked up and we’ve been enjoying our last few days with Fi around. She has been the most amazing guest ever! i can’t tell you how easy these last few weeks have been. Iona fell in love with her and having her around all the time just made such a difference. I was able to get so much done with minmal stress just by her simply being here to entertain Iona and be a friend to her. Now for those of you who think I am a user of a hostess, I did do my best to make sure she got a break as well!!
I also enjoyed just having someone around to constantly talk to. it was so much fun. We had lots of deep and meaningfulls as well as a lot of laughts. I always felt slightly just on the edge of really getting to know her while In the UK so this was an ideal time to just really seal our friendship. I now feel happy about returning to the UK and having another friend there!
Anyway, saying goodbye tonight was really hard. I felt such a sadness, even though we’d be seeing her again relatively soon. I suppose what hurt was seeing how Iona’s face fell when we told her Fi was leaving and getting on a plane. She saw the bed had been moved back into her own room and saw Fi’s suitcase all packed and I think she worked it out. She just seemed so deeply sad. She went all quiet and just whimpered a little bit. It broke my heart!!!!! goodbye’s have been such a big part of my life. With every amazing meanfull experience God has blessed me with, that has made my life so much richer, along with that has come some terrible partings where I’ve felt an almost physical pain to the loss.
In initally leaving England, I grieved for Iona as i knew everything would change so much for her, but as she’s no nearly a year older, it’s so much more real for her. To see her little face fall and hear her ask for Fi in a sad voice once we’d said out goodbye’s doubled my own pain of saying goodbye to a newly found friend and companion. So it begins for her. I do believe with all my heart her life will be richer for the experiences she has had and will continue to have as our daughter, but my heart breaks for the goodbye’s she will have to say. It never ever gets easier. Not when you’ve truly connected with someone.

So Granny arrives tomorrow evening and I’m hoping for another wonderful few weeks of her forming an attachment and affection for someone who loves her dearly and has so much to offer her. I won’t think about the goodbye’s just yet.

A new addition

So about a month ago, a mother from Area Q brought her eight year old daughter to HDC with a bag full of clothes and announced that she was leaving her there. The mother claimed the daughter was “demon posessed” and destructive, but the truth was, the mother has a new boyfriend, and when a new boyfriend moves in, out go the children from previous men in many cases.
Cesanda, is her name. A few weeks previous she was badly burned on her legs with boiling hot water. Without crying, she walked all the way to the human dignity centre, and sat down without saying a word. When the burns were noticed, Jon and one of the teachers took her to the hosptial. It was the first time she’d ever left Walmer Location.
So Phumeza, our 21 year old friend and new mother of a 5 month old, agreed to take her home with her. The head teacher, Chantelle, a single mother of two girls also agreed to look after her when she could. Jon and I had her over by default a few times while socializing with Phumeza and Nolutahndo. She’s a gorgeous little girl. It’s obvious she’s been exposed to far too much of life for her age. She flinches if you move quickly around her, which tells us she’s been abused. Her mother is a known alchaholic within the community. She really loved the bathroom though, and tasted food she’d never had before when we had a basic Braai one afternoon.
Over the last four weeks, it’s become more difficult caring for her. Chantelle has two girls of her own and the honeymoon is over in many ways. When she is back in the townsihp with Phumeza and Noluthando, she is out of control. She stays out till 10:30 at night dancing in front of older men and drinking in the local tavern. Social Services have been contacted and a long term solution is being saught, but in the mean time, she needs care.
So we are taking her a few days a week.
Last night was her first night. She’s sleeping next to Fi, our guest from the UK, and so it really feels like a full house but it’s fine. We happened to have a young adults party here last night as well which I think she found a bit overwhelming. She wandered around wrapped up in a Shrek blanket and stayed close to Fi, but she happily ate a platefull of food and then put herself to bed at a decent hour. This morning she woke up early and I fed her what i feed Iona for breakfast which to your average child might seem a bit daunting (millet porridge) but she ate it right up.
We’ll see how it goes. I am praying that the right solution comes out of this. I know the poor thing is turning on the charm at the moment as she knows the situation she is in. I know these situations are fun at first but turn difficult and trying. She speaks very little english but is easy to communicate with. She needs a home. She needs a family. She needs a mom and a dad. She needs emotional healing and restoration as her little life has already been broken in many areas.

Pray for us, Chantelle, the girls, as we look for a solution in the next few months.
Pray for Cesanda, that she finds the love she deserves.

thanksgiving success!

thanksgiving was an amazing success.
I was stressing a bit. The number seemed to be growing more and more and I was doing the whole “will there be enough food and space??” worry. Especially when the day was rainy and windy and it looked like we wouldn’t be able to spread about outside.
My neighbours Annie and Nicole came over beforehand just to check I was ok and see if I needed anything, (which I did) It was so great to have their support! It felt like we were all doing it together, not just me trying to pull of some huge feat on my own.
The weather improved remarkably and by the time people started to arrive, kids were jumping in the pool and 20 adults plus kids hardly felt like a crowd at all! Everyone was all eager to hear the The thanksgiving story when it came time to eat, people were thrilled with the food. Again, it was so great that everyone contributed. I gave everyone an “american” recipe to make and bring so we had thanksgiving carrots, green bean casserole, a squash casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and Turkey! There was plenty to go around but hardly any left in the end. I must admit for the first time it really “felt” like Thanksgiving.
I had been a little upset earlier in the day thinking about how really, this day only means something special to me, and Jon really doesn’t get it, and if we end up living in the UK, my kids won’t really “get it” either. But at the end of the night Jon came to me and said “thanks for doing this, it was really special” I realized that it’s up to me to make these memories and make these holiday special.
I dissapeared just after supper to try and get iona down and she was exhausted and when I came back (from my failed attempt) I discovered all the dishes had been done! So again, it just felt like I was celebrating with family, and it was so special. What I found so fun was that everyone wanted the recipes and people were chatting and talking about celebrating it next year and making it their own tradition! So thankyou to everyone who came and who lended their enthusiasm! I feel empowered to create warm fuzzies!

Things I learned:
-Don’t stress about numbers. The more the merrier…really, in the end, i probably could have extended the invitation out a bit more or at least told people to stop by later for coffee and pumpkin pie!
-Don’t feel you have to put your child to bed on time, if they are happy, it’s one of the times when you
can let them stay up and it’s not the end of the world.

Processing the Kite Runner

Just about to head off to bed, but as i just finnished watching “The Kite Runner” I just had take some time to process. Ok so the film is in NO way anywhere as near as the book, however, if you’ve read the book, some of the scenes and images in the film are worth sticking around for. The movie is in no way as dark as the book, especially the ending, but knowing the full story of the book, when you watch the film, you can still feel the depth of the emotion at certain places.
The ending just had me in tears all over again, (as i was when I read the book). My heart is hurting for the people of Afganastan, a people so far away from me personally in culture and distance, and people who due to circumstance, I may never have the pleasure of knowing, but when I see this movie, i want to know them. I want to be let into their world, and befriend them and drink their tea, eat their food, go to their weddings and hear their stories. I think of my Christian brother’s and sisters there who are under so much persecution and are dying for their faith. I think of the women and children who are being ravaged and robbed of their very lives and souls through abuse and it hurts.

Amidst my daily bemoanings about my own life’s circumstances….it helps to have a reality check like this one every so often.

Aside from the overal picture of Afganastan, the story itself is also powerful, and although I don’t believe we can “make up for our wrongs” by our rights….the end of the movie made me think ultimately of Grace…

Grace that can set us free from the past and heal our brokenness.

the places we find ourselves

it’s crazy in this country. One moment you’re facing the inexplicable horrific realities of people’s lives, the next, you’re sitting in a theatre with a crowd of mamma mia enthusiests (who have predominately met through a facebook group) actually singing along at full voice to a special showing of the film. It was hysterical really. I wasn’t like a die hard fan of the film or anything but when a friend said she had spare tickets and invited me along, I took the opportuntiy to give my husband a quiet study night in, and headed into central Port Elizabeth. It’s at times like this that I really feel just how easy it is to live in a bubble when you’re here. When you’re in a lovely theatre with a brand new jazz club attached to it, it’s easy not to notice the face of the person standing behind the popcorn counter. She stares out at the crowd of laughing giggling mamma mia fans with this sort of confused awe. Her uniform is pressed and clean, and of the usual garish downtown movie theatre style, yet, I had a picture of her going home that night, after the rest of us have driven off, to a township. I know every country has it’s rich and it’s poor….but it doesn’t mean it’s any easier to stomach.

Now i’m going to be real here. I don’t wake up every day and cry about the situation here. My life is normal. i have tea with my neighbour and take Iona to play in her beautiful little playschool. I have cappucino with my friend at the Pink Fig where I talk about my issues, I buy a birthday present for what i can imagine will be a lovely birthday party tomorrow afternoon for one of Iona’s little friends, (who happens to happens to be the local “baby of the year” winner) i clean the house (with a bad attitude much of the time) and I cook nice meals and bake cookies. There are times when I think I should really give the girls a call and just see how they are instead of waiting till the next time I see them. It’s tough to balance everything I tell myself, or, maybe it’s that it’s more costly to care. OUCH!

One year Ago…today

One year ago today, this girl was swallowed up in Area Q of Walmer Location in Port Elizabeth, South Africa. Annatie, Noluthandu’s daughter.
I can hardly believe it. I really can not grasp it at all, and I don’t pretend to.
When we drive in the car together, trying to put Iona to sleep, I can only imagine she’s thinking of the petrol i’m wasting and can not get her head around how spoiled us western mothers are. For we don’t live every day in terror that our children will just dissapear without a trace because we have had to leave them in the care of dodgy relatives while we worked for pittance. We don’t worry about how we’re going to feed them, we worry they won’t take their naps and give us a break and a good night’s sleep.
We hung out at Annie’s school. The day was gorgeous and it was perfect for just soaking in the sun. She showed iona how to wear her baby doll on her back and I thought of the hours she must have spent walking around with Annatie, tied to her back. Annie’s school is a haven really. The small handfull of children run free in the back garden playing in the sand, climbing trees, playing house, and jumping on a trampoline. It’s a shelter from the realities of area Q where the children play in the muddy roads amidst the shacks. Where just today a seven year old girl was kicked out of the house by her drunken mother who claimed she was “demon posessed”
There are evils on both sides….there are dysfunctions on both sides….wealth is no ticket to happiness just as poverty is not necessarily evil in itself.
But here I sat today with a mother who lost her little baby girl, and I suppose i’m just trying to undertand how and why it could happen.

Braai Rant and Date Night

We’ve been meaning to do date nights for awhile now, and this week we agreed that Friday night we’d get someone to babysit and we’d go to a movie, (something i haven’t done since before Iona was born) Everything was set until our house church decided to have a social on the same night. Both of us are keen socializers, but we also felt we also wanted to not mess up our first date night, so we decided to catch a 10:00 film so we could be at the social for most of the evening (seeing as it started at 6:30)
So the social was a Braai, south african for Barbeque, but really there is no translation adequate.
There are certain things charactaristic of a Braai which i found myself greatly annoyed at last night.
1. Huge amounts of meat, massive amounts, which is in itself, fine. I don’t have a problem with eating meat. What annoys me is the wide eyes paniced question of “oh no! what will you eat???” The thing is, I don’t like making an issue out of my not eating meat, but I find if other people make an issue of it, then all my defenses come out flying, and I end up going on about dead animals and stuff….which I know is like…totally not how to win friends and influence people…but for some reason, it gets me nearly every time.
2. the whole men and women being separate thing. It’s like a rule. The women either sit or stand around the kitchen chatting, and the men all busy themselves around the fire. Now the thing is, that may be a slightly normal thing when couples get together, however, don’t try to break the rules on this one. I went and stood by the fire to get warm, and stand by Jon for a moment, and I notice the conversation goes totally silent, and one of the men suddenly starts explaining to me how the fire is going as though I have come to inspect it.
3. The not eating until 10:00 at night thing. Well, technically. Jon plopped my stuffed butternut squash down on the table for me to eat around 8:45 and not knowing what time it was I got slightly annoyed at him and told him I was going to wait and eat with everyone. So the women and I started talking and the time went on and suddenly it was 9:45!! I asked Jon if we were going to leave soon and he said “yes have you eaten?” and all this time, the men had been eating off the fire, as the meat was done. however the women were sitting in the kitchen talking, waiting for the meat to be cooked so we could all eat together. Sides and salads all ready and waiting…untouched.
So what ended up happening was me getting annoyed and making another defensive comment about the merits of vegetables.
We still made the film, which was “Mama Mia” where we were the only ones in the whole theatre except for one guy on his own. It was one of these very funny but very emotional things as well. I got all freaked out and sad again about missing Louise’s wedding, and then got all emotional thinking about when Iona will someday grow up. Leaving the cinema was scary. Here we are in the dreaded south africa walking through a shopping mall that’s all closed down, then into a car park with no car guards. We ran a few red lights on our way back home….:)
Noluthandu was babysitting, and when Iona woke up this morning and saw her sleeping on the bed next to her, she was so excited. Noluthandu got her out of her cot and she came running into my room with a huge smile on her face saying “ce ce na na” (meaning, ce ce is there in my room!!”) it was soo sweet. I tried to pay Noluthandu for babysitting, as I saw it as a means to bless her. She totally refused. I insisted, but she kept refusing and saying “no, april, not from you…..not from you” and I said “I don’t want you to feel like i’m using you” and she said “No, it’s me who uses you!! you come and fetch us all the time and do so much for us…” I was humbled. Here this girl gets 250 rand a month as a thankyou for volunteering at HDC, that’s it. That’s £17. I was offering her 50 rand….and she still refused.
So although our first attempt at a date night was a bit “hectic” as they say here…we’ll try again!
It was still a blessing to be out.